Airplane Hell

Row ten

letter E

window seat

lucky me

 

Fat man

you’re a nice guy

everyone loves you

except when you fly

 

pondering seat

to my right

fatty won’t fit

what a plight

 

With a heave

and a grunt

fatty squirms in

what a stunt

 

Nasty wrinkle

of squishy fat

slithers over

to touch my lap

 

Passenger blob

is a cheat

he has stolen

half my seat

 

What the hell

I paid my fare

I’m entitled to

one whole chair

 

He’s fast asleep

hear that snore

like a sea walrus

on the shore

 

Clothing on

my side is wet

compliments of

fatty’s sweat

 

Need the bathroom

but am trapped

blocked by immobile

slab of fat

 

Here I sit

compressed in space

wish I had a

can of mace

 

Four attendants

and a crane

help poor

fatty off the plane

 

Next time I

intend to fly

hope to sit

by skinny guy

Mexican Floor Cleaner “No Es Fabuloso!”

While pretending that I was an unemployed trust-fund baby who supplemented my lifestyle and vices by the aid of a top-notch sugar daddy I spent the month of February traveling around the Yucatan Peninsula. However, it was not that sexy or cheap. I learned a valuable life lesson.

The Sniff Test

We wrapped up our trip with a 5 night stay on Isla Mujeres for my boss’ wedding. A few days were dedicated to training for the wedding. This meant laying on the beach ordering two-for-one cocktails. The afternoon before the wedding I excused myself and went to take a quick cat nap. I woke up and immediately grabbed a bottle of red Gatorade that was on the counter and took a huge-cotton-mouthy swig.

It was floor cleaner, and it was not good.

 

Terra Suddarth
April 16, 2009

Airlines: “Thank You For Choosing Us!”

Airplane seat so tiny and small

makes my legs curl in a ball.

Chair in front reclines a bit

protruding head I want to hit.

“Sit back, relax, enjoy the flight.”

”If we hit some turbulence, hold on tight!”

”We are here for your convenience,” what a lie!

(We like you miserable when you fly!)

Six hour flight

that’s so long.

There is no food service.

It’s just wrong!

If you’re hungry, it is a trap!

Seven dollars buys Snack Box crap.

”I’ll buy a Snack box” said I with doubt.

(Too bad chump,) “we’re all sold out.”

The douche next door is making noise.

Her fellow passengers she annoys.

The blob in front blows a f _ _ t.

I hope his butt grows a wart.

The fight attendant may have once had youth.

Now her old age manners are uncouth.

”I can’t take your trash while I’m serving”

(multitasking would be unnerving.)

Coughing kid having a fit.

Cover his mouth you parental git!

Sewer f_ _t just pierced my nose.

A silent-but-deadly killed five rows.

Ass is cramped.

Legs are sore.

Air is foul.

How much more?

Seat belt light turned off for comfort.

”Waitress, I’ll have a tea and crumpet.”

(No you won’t you stupid sh _ t)

Three more hours you’ll have to sit.

Do you think we will arrive on time?

Hell effing no!

Gawd damned headwind!

We’re an hour behind.

Connecting flight?

Too bad we’re late.

Run like hell to find the gate.

“Fly with us on another date.”

 

Terry Suddarth
April 2009